Things That Have Made Me Cry Inexplicably

I'm not someone who cries very easily. For a while I actually used to think I was a sociopath because I genuinely could not remember the last time I had cried. Then I realized that 1. Sociopaths probably don't sit around googling whether they're sociopaths or not and 2. I just think that the way I process my emotions doesn't often result in very visceral reactions (I'm not sure if that's even a way the human body works but sue me (don't)). However, there have been numerous times in my life where I have had cried inexplicably over things that carry varying amounts of importance to my overall well-being.



I think corgis are the greatest creation of this universe and one of the few examples that there may possibly be a higher power or being. Corgis are perfect and I will take that statement to my grave. That little constant smile they have make me think that maybe everything will be okay (even thought it won't). The first time I ever saw one in person was on the street and I just started crying. I was so inconsolable that I couldn't even ask the couple walking it if I could pet it for fear that they'd mace me (I just assume corgi owners take their protection that seriously). I stumbled into a Starbucks and just finished my cry there. It was a magical moment in my life and ever since then I have teared up every time I've seen a corgi. I think part of the reason why I have this reaction is that I just really relate to corgis. They're short and no matter how small they are, they're always a little round and that really resonates with me. French bulldogs and poodles also make me a little emotional but corgis hold a very special place in my tear ducts. However, I don't get the obsession with corgi butts. I get tagged in corgi videos pretty constantly on Facebook (because my friends just get me) and about 20% of them are ones that focus specifically on their butts. I just don't understand. It feels like a weird sexualization of corgis. This obsession definitely comes from that same group of people that see absolutely nothing wrong with Belle and the Beast's relationship in Beauty and the Beast. (I'm not a full blown "beastiallity" whistle blower when it comes to BATB but there is something about it that makes me say "wait what?") Now what makes me cry is the full blown corgi. The whole furry loaf.


Series Finales

It doesn't matter if the finale was good or bad or even for a show that I watched from the beginning, I will cry. 30 Rock finale? Great, but I cried. Parks and Rec finale? Fine, but I cried. How I Met Your Mother Finale? Awful, but I SOBBED. I just get very emotional thinking about all of the jobs that ended, from the actors to the people behind the scenes. Then I start thinking about all the goodbyes that happened on the set between everyone and I'm just a disaster. I start thinking about what I would have said at the wrap party and what everyone would have said to me. How Tina Fey would tell me I was her muse, how Aubrey Plaza would give me a vile of her blood, how Neil Patrick Harris would hug me tightly and tell me he wished he could leave his husband for me. Don't even get me started if the finale actually has a good plot line too. The finales of Friends and The Office DESTROY me every time. Sometimes I rewatch them just to make myself cry as a form of masochist-type release or punishment.


Barack Obama

So let's get one thing straight. I don't support everything Barack Obama did. Sure, I was three years old for most of his presidency (I consider anyone under the age of 18 to be three years old) but I was still kind of aware of what was going on. I had opinions. Namely useless opinions, but opinions. I thought Obama-care was a tit-bit too strict in the same way that I thought Linda Cardelinni deserved an Oscar for performance as Velma in the live action Scooby-Doo film. However, just the idea of this beautiful man makes me cry. It might be because out of the four Presidents I've been alive for he's the only one I've been truly aware of (cause right now I recognize whoever the President on Scandal is as my leader), but I also think it's because he just alway seems like a relatable, cool guy. I'd see pictures of him with other leaders or read quotes from him talking about his family, art, or marginalized groups and I'd just openly sob. People who are aware of the world around them are just awesome, ya know?


Boys That Want Open Relationships

Don't get me wrong. I'm a millennial and I'm hip and polygamy is the bomb. I'm in full support of open relationships. I'm just not capable of one. I wish I was, I really do. I love getting to know people and I like kissing cute boys that think I'm cute. I think the best way to understand people is to just talk to as many different and interesting people as you can. An open relationship would be the ultimate win for me, except I just can't do it. I don't know if its my anxiety or what it is, but the idea of an open relationship makes me want to punch someone in the face, preferably my hypothetical man who apparently doesn't realize that I'm irrationally assuming he isn't satisfied with just me!!!!!!!! I can't say I'm the most open person when it comes to romantic situations so truthfully open relationships or "situation-ships" haven't been presented to me very often but the few times they have I've gotten irrationally upset. Am I not enough? Every time I see my doctor he tells me to watch my weight so I know that's not the problem.


"The Battle Of The Department of Mysteries" in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Truthfully this has only made me cry once, but it was intense. It was also the first anxiety attack I vividly remember. By the time I was fifteen, I had already reread the Harry Potter series many times. In fact I had reread this specific book so many times that when I dropped my original paperback copy it split in half because the spine had become so weak (impressive, I know). So one night before bed I was reading it and I got to the the part where they're being ambushed by Death Eaters in the Department of Mysteries because Voldemort tricked Harry into thinking Sirius was there (It's been over ten years since this book came out, if you still need spoiler alerts then you also need to get out more). It was in this moment that I realized I was fifteen reading about a bunch of fifteen to fourteen year olds that are about to battle grown adults with magic to save their own lives. I started thinking about how I would feel if I was in one of the teenagers places and I just started sobbing. Uncontrollably. Kim Kardashian ugly-face crying. I put the book down and cried for a twenty solid minutes. If I had known anything about the Meisner Technique when I was fifteen I would have thought I had mastered it. (Does that joke make sense? It's possible that I still know nothing about the Meisner Technique even after five years of theatre training (hire me though!!)) I learned a lot that night. One, I finally realized how young the characters in the Harry Potter series were. Two, I  accepted that I would be incredibly useless in a magical battle against experienced murders and psychopaths.


The End of Any Vacation, Trip, or Program

Leaving Disney World when I was five. The ending of a summer Pre-College program I did in Philadelphia when I was seventeen. Saying goodbye after a month long Musical Theater/Opera program in Germany when I was twenty one. Arriving home from any family vacation through 2002-2017. The end of each one saw me in TEARS. Uncontrollable, Nicholas Sparks style tears. But also the beginning of each one generally sees me in tears. Or at least intense anxiety attacks. I just don't handle change well but with vacations, trips, or programs I force myself to get comfortable quickly. I HGTV-host the shit out of each experience. But then one to fours weeks later its over and I am emotionally ruined. As soon as I get comfortable and let my freak flag fly and smother everyone around me, I have to go. It destroys me each time. Twenty two years on this earth and this is something I've learned to accept. Throwing myself into uncomfortable situations is the best way I've learned to enter new experiences and it's worth a few thousand tears at the end.


The First Time I Ever Had A Kiwi

This is the big one. First what I need you to understand is that I grew up in what I consider a Food Desert. This is a place where every family in your community just cycles through the same meals every three weeks, never really venturing from that taste palate. This only time this cycle is broken is the occasional venture to a local restaurant, where your options are Almost Any Steakhouse (because even though they all serve the same food there must legally be at least five in every Food Desert), Americanized Chinese Food, Americanized Japanese Food, Americanized Mexican Food, and Applebees. Clearly I was coming within a 50 mile radius of any kiwis.

The first time I ever had one I was a sophomore in college. I lived right across from my RA and was very friendly with her and her roommates. I probably spent more time in my RA's bedroom than any college students who isn't having sex with their RA so that they can drink in their room. One day I saw kiwis on their counter and mentioned I didn't think I had ever had one. One of the girls then split it down the middle, handed me half along with a spoon, and I went in for my first taste of kiwi (btw I know I'm still a kiwi novice so have no place to assert this opinion but eating a kiwi with a spoon is the only way to do it!!! You just use the skin as a bowl!!! Any other way isn't wrong but it is dumb).

I started sobbing, that kiwi was MIRACULOUS! I can't explain it. I don't really like fruit, I'm more a vegetable person, so I was experiencing a whole new range of emotions. I honestly might have short circuited. Somewhere on this earth there is video footage of me in my RA's dorm room crying over an empty kiwi skin. It's one of my finer moments and I'm proud of it.

Patrick Howard