Plans For My Funeral

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Truth be told...

I was probably thinking about french fries when this picture was taken, not death, but I still think it works. French fries are definitely something I ponder frequently as well.. 

I think about death a lot. Not in a super morbid way, but in a way that's very normal and I think makes me seem like an adorable free-thinker. Multiple family members of mine passed away when I was very young and my parents were always candid with me about what was happening. Because of this I think I learned how to emotionally process death in a healthy way at a young age. However, lately in life I've started to use it as a positive reinforcer. The way I see it, death is eminent for all us so there is no reason to not live a carefree life that is full of happiness and joy. With that said, I do still think about it a lot. How will I go? What's after? Will my death be as beautifully tragic as it is awesome? Most importantly, will my funeral sick as hell? 

Nothing annoys me more than a boring funeral, which I know sounds VERY RUDE, but no one should have to sit through a half-assed version of "Go Rest High On That Mountain" (I should know, I once performed a half-assed version at a funeral ). It's just that most funerals don't actually feel like they're honoring the person who died, they feel like they're providing a public space for people's performative grief. Maybe that's the point and I'm just too emotionally mature (stunted) to get on board with that. Whatever. But I'm no dummy and I'm just selfish enough that I won't have my funeral be a feeding ground for other people's emotional performances. It's MY day. The last one I'm ever going to get, and I don't even get to be there!! So I have some goddamn stipulations. These are all presented assuming I die around 80 but I expect them to be put into place no matter what age I crap out at.

  1. I would like  "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead" to be sung in four-part harmony by any of the surviving members of the Pitch Perfect film series. If none remain, contact remaining Glee cast members. If that's a dead end too (HA) contact the nearest Disney Channel stars.
  2. "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead" should be immediately followed by "Die Young" by Kesha.
  3. I love my family but do not allow either of my sisters to speak. They will somehow make it about them. Besides one of them shanked me in the ocean when we were kids and took my bathing suit up to the beach. This is is my revenge.
  4. Similarly, because of my sisters I would like to be cremated. I do not trust their taste in outfits and I will not be put to rest in a black pants with brown shoes. If my parents are still alive this rule still apples. My dad's "nice" shoes are white sneakers (Love you dad).
  5. I want small foods served with no silverware because watching people eat small food with their hands is hilarious. Bowls of Goldfish, sunflower seeds, kiwi, and M+Ms will suffice.
  6. Also, serve pizza. Pizza is delicious.
  7. Mac and Cheese can also possibly be served depending on the season. Fall is a go, any other season is a no. None of that kraft-fake-mac either. I want the real, whole milk filled, spiced up, oven baked, cheesy goodness. I may live in New York but my southern roots will never rot.
  8. Also cornbread. Okay, moving on.
  9. I want large amounts of alcohol available. Absolutely no vodka because I love myself, and absolutely no water because I want all attendees to have a raging hangover the next day. It's the last headache I'll ever be able to give anyone. The No Water Rule is a must. I don't care if you're on your 5th liver, my funeral can be yours too (that's a lie, back off). With the lack of substantial food everyone will get plastered really quick and then we'll have a party!
  10. No one is allowed to wear all black. I don't think it's cute or chic, I think it's boring. Everyone just assumes it's looks good but you actually just end up looking like Morticia Addams without even half of Angelica Houston's allure or sex appeal. However I would like black with a pop of color. Any girl that wants to wear a black jumpsuit with yellow heels is immediately entitled to everything I own.
  11. Regarding the pop of color, do not select green or brown. I hate green and brown.
  12. Everyone should sign my urn. "HAGS" is encouraged.
  13. No one who refers to themselves as a "Social Media Influencer" is allowed to attend. Anyone who actually is a Social Media Influencer is smart enough to not call themselves that.
  14. Speaking of, all social media posts about my funeral should be marked with the hashtag #RIPatrick
  15. Similar to how a flock of doves is released at a wedding, I would like a pack of corgis released when my urn is put in the ground.
  16. All napkins should have my headshot on them. I spent a lot of $$$ on those, and I will get my money's worth.
  17. There should be souvenir bags given out at the end of the event and they should include 1. A link to my Soundcloud, 2. A copy of Kesha's album Rainbow, 3. A voucher for a half-off, large chocolate frosty from Wendy's, and 4. A program for the event. At least one aspect of this has to be legit.
  18. My final rule: There should be dancing and fun! My $5 Pinot Grigio and I I didn't plan all of this just for people to mope around and look at pictures of me as a child (Although I was an adorable child (see below)).


I don't care if my face looks like an entire beehive attacked right before I died, someone should mention in their eulogy that I always had clear skin. Use this picture as reference if you have to.

Patrick Howard